Sly Cooper is the protagonist of the eponymous Playstation video game franchise, and I have been in love with him for most of my life.
We got a copy of Sly Cooper and the Theivius Raccoonus pretty much when it came out. Immediately, I became aware of two things:
- This guy kicks ass;
- This guy is HOT!
Now, by this point, I already knew I had Something Going On (I wanted Link from The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. I wanted to be Link from The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. The first fanfiction I really followed was some ganlink smut. It took place in the Ocarina of Time universe, a game I haven't even played. Who cares? God.), but I think playing this game is what really made me realize I was Not Straight.
Sly Cooper was my gay awakening. Fuck.
Anyway, so I became obsessed with this game almost immediately. I wanted to play it all the time. I was a big fan of Muggshot, even though I found the missions in his world pretty tough. I loved the Mz. Ruby boss fight. I love how it just randomly changes to a rhythm game and it actually works lmao. And the Panda King. Omg the Panda King. Did you notice they programmed it so that you can see Sly's breath in the outdoor Panda King levels? I noticed that you can see Sly's breath in the outdoor Panda King levels. God. We could totally keep each other warm in the outdoor Panda King levels.
I wanted to have a Sly Cooper themed birthday party as a young kid. Didn't end up happening—probably for the best. I had a magic themed birthday party instead, which was chill; I was into magic as a kid. Anyway, we got a pinata, which is really the one thing that determined whether a birthday party was going to kick ass or be mid as hell. I was last in line to take a swing at my own birthday party because I never could stick up for myself to my peers. After about half the kids had gotten a chance to swing, the pinata had fallen on the ground a few times, but never broke. I guess my dad was getting impatient, so he took a box cutter and made some cuts in the pinata to make it go a bit faster. Fuck. So after at most five more kids made it through, it broke and I never had a chance. Needless to say, this was devastating. I cried. At my own birthday party. There was just one saving grace: I didn't need to watch my own father plunge a box cutter into anything related to my husband (we weren't married at the time). I couldn't have recovered from that. I would have to still be no-contact now. And I love my dad.
Anyway, I'm over it now. At some point I discovered Leslie Gore and that took care of it. But that was well after Sly 2: Band of Thieves came out. Do you remember the TV ads they would play for that game? God I was hyped. You could tell it was gonna be a step up in quality, AND you could play as Bentley and Murray in open world missions? Yes. And when he taps the camera lens? Omg. Sorry ladies, he was talking to me.
So I played the game and it was really good. In fact it was so good they might not make a Sly Cooper game that good ever again. Dimitri is such a rad character, man. He's so lame. Like, so lame it makes him awesome, you know? I wanted to be Dimitri. I kind of still want to be Dimitri, I think. His theme music? Pique. And Constable Neyla? She's so catty; I love her. She's purple because why not. And her fucked up relationship with Carmelita Fox?
Yuri, your honor. Sly Cooper is mine. He'll get over it. And Neyla's double double-cross was honestly so good. Like, beyond the level of what would be good in a raccoon thief game for children. Plus the relationship between Sly, Bentley, and Murray was so well-developed? Bentley SAVES The Gang in: JAILBREAK??? No right. I could go on and on. And Arpeggio? God I wanted to be Arpeggio. His level was my favorite as a kid (even though it's like my least favorite now lol). I follow a couple of people on tumblr who are married to Arpeggio, and honestly, I respect it.
Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves came out less than a year later, I think, and honestly, it's pretty solid. It was cool to see the gang expanded. Penelope was my favorite addition. Her level was my favorite, too. When I played that episode I wanted to be an airline pilot. We had a project in school where we had to decide what we wanted to be when we grew up, then we had to draw everything we would need to get that job. I could only think of Pilot's License, so I drew that on my poster board. Then, after about 5 minutes of trying to think of anything else to draw, I gave up and erased everything. I chose a different career; I don't remember what it was anymore.
Years later I played the multiplayer modes with a friend of mine from college, and they all sucked. They were so laggy. Which is weird because back in the day I don't remember there being any issue. When I was a kid, my parents let me stay up all night for one night per year, and I always looked forward to that. My dad worked late, and one of those nights, when he got home, we played the hacking minigame. We kicked ass at that. Given how laggy it apparently was, I have no idea how.
A lot of people say Sly 3 wasn't nearly as good as Sly 2 and they're all right. I wouldn't have known at the time, though, because my dad always took the games I finished back to the video game store to trade. I think he purposely waited until the new game came out so I wouldn't notice. For years I thought I had just lost it somehow. At least my dad was alive throughout my childhood, I guess. In fact, he's still alive (as of 2026 and hopefully a lot longer). I like to think he could be a good father for Sly Cooper. A good father-in-law for Sly Cooper. Yeah. His birthday is the same day the first game came out, so it makes them both easy to remember. I would have liked to have met Sly Cooper's dad. He seemed like he was cool.
I bought a used PS2 from Goodwill for at most twenty bucks in like 2018. It worked fine after replacing the laser, and, after rebuying the first two games, I was able to play the original trilogy for the first time as an adult. Man. A lot of the writing is so stupid. I love that, though. I'm so stupid. It made me feel more connected in a way. Like, if Sly Cooper is kind of stupid and I'm kind of stupid, we could be kind of stupid together. This was the inspiration for two fanfics I wrote toward the end of 2020. Me and my best friend tasked each other to write self-insert fanfiction about the person/raccoon we were in love with and then read them to each other. I remember that I had a multi-day long power outage when I was writing the first one, so I wrote it in the evening by candlelight lmao.
Later, in August of 2022, I made an AMV set to "Born Too Late" by the Poni-Tails. Making this sucked. My laptop at the time was really old, and it crashed like every other time I tried to edit anything. And I was using OpenShot which is... idk I don't have much experience but it seemed a lot harder than it needed to. I didn't care, though. I was struck with an inspiration that I've been vainly searching for ever since. I made it as a joke, but, like, you can't spend a few hours on a joke for just you and your closest friends and not have it be a little bit sincere, right? Anyway, later on I decided to post it which probably wasn't a very good idea, but who cares? I had fun. I love him.
I even made another AMV in the beginning of 2023. This time set to "Ebb Tide" by The Avalons. I was listening to a lot of doo-wop at the time. This one had more of a plot. I couldn't stand being so lonely in the city, so I transformed into a DC-9-34 and flew to Paris to be with him. Yes, I know that's a long flight for a DC-9-34, but I wasn't carrying any passengers so it's fine.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for Sly Cooper. Like, he's got so much going on, and what have I got going on? I would probably just hold him down. Sometimes I imagine Sly Cooper with someone else, someone he could be happier with. Idk. I feel like I would really get myself together for Sly Cooper. So he could be happier. I don't know why I'd get myself together for Sly Cooper rather than getting myself together for myself. It's a thought I still hold on to, though. Better to hold on to that than nothing, you know?